Dear body, I confess I am ungrateful.
Dear body, Your betrayal is far from unseen. I feel it from my fingertips boiling all the way to my toes. I am reminded of it when I walk, when I talk, when I wake up, when I’m trying to rest, you throw it in my face and watch me shatter.
Dear body, I confess you do things right I should be thankful for. However, if we’re speaking a bare cold truth – I am angry. I am disgusted. I have a hard time being thankful.
Dear body, some days I can tell you thank you for fighting. Thank you for not letting me sink. Other days, I wish you would’ve.
Dear body, Tonight I stared at the ceiling and cried. I sobbed because you have made me hate myself in so many ways that I can’t find a reason to be thankful anymore.
Dear body, It pains me to tell you that nights like tonight are more common than not.
Dear body, I am scared to be alone in fear you’ll just continue to fail me. It’s been a month and a day since I took an ambulance to the hospital because covid sucked every drop of air from my lungs. I’ve been home for a little while now. I’ve been crying in pain and crying in frustration because this recovery is clearly not something to fuck around with. I thought i may be on the upswing. Then yesterday I fell on the stairs. I kept that a secret.
Dear body, tomorrow is the first time I will be fully alone since i’ve been ill. (a term that makes no sense for those of us who are always ill.) I just want to give up now so I don’t have to face it at all.
Dear body, I started a new diet. The continuous weakening of my muscles and reoccurring bed rest you put me on has made me gain more weight than i’d like to admit. You have become my least favorite part about me. You have become the part of me I can’t stand to look at. My healthy friends tell me it’s okay as if they understand, my chronically ill friends tell me i’m just lucky I can gain weight. When you’re healthy enough to gain tons of weight yet not healthy enough to workout, Neither help.
Dear body, I hate you. I know I need to be grateful. Days like today I can’t seem to look at you without wanting to give up or vomit, or both. Days like today I want a refund. Days like today I don’t get out of bed. Days like today , I ask what i ever did to you? Days like today, I ask for forgiveness.